I got jolted out of bed this morning at about 5:30am.

*shake shake grumble shake*

At first I thought it was storming out, then I thought maybe it was my upstairs neighbor being rowdy. Not that either, no it was an earthquake. I waited for it to be over, laid there for a second and pondered what I would have done if it had actually been a big one. Then I went back to sleep.

Twenty minutes later my phone rings. It’s my friend Don, “HAVE YOU TALKED TO YOUR PARENTS YET?!” My heart skipped a beat, way to wake me up and put in panic mode. “No”, I responded, “Why would I?” I then told him never to call me that early again. Even if he knew for a fact that my parents house was burning to the ground, don’t call me that early.

Well now he had me all riled up, so I got up and checked the news - and sure enough the epicenter was near my parents. I felt obligated to call, they were fine. I figured as much. Now I was wide awake, so I turned on the TV to watch the news.

It’s really fucking amazing the idiots that come out of the woodwork when this shit happens. They wanted people to call in if there was damage, so people were calling left and right to tell their “earthquake story” except they were all the fucking same. “Yeah my trailer shook a little.” Then the reporter would ask, “But did you have any damage?” and the trailer park trash would respond, “Well my teddy bear collection fell off the shelf.”

Seriously.